Mage Heart
by Moerighan
Summary: Is it possible to love two people without being split in two? Can Selene Hawke solve Kirkwall's problems when she can't even solve her own? F-Hawke/Fenris F-Hawke/Anders may contact love and lemons.
1. Expedition

Selene sighed, rubbed her eyes and put down her quill. She stretched in her seat and looked around the small, dimly lit room. Her brother, Carver, lay snoring on his bed. She shook her head and chucked, remembering that when they were children she had thrown random objects into his mouth until he would wake in surprise. A pang of regret assaulted her. They were far from children now, living in the Slums of Kirkwall, trying to get enough money together to fund an expedition into the Deep Roads. She had acquired many friends and companions over the time they had been here, yet she still felt alone.

She distanced herself from everyone, even her fellow Apostate, Anders.

Selene was scared, the expedition would be dangerous and Carver was so excited to go. They had only just started being civil to each other, but she knew if she took him and something happened…

Her mother stilled blamed her for Bethany's death, what would she do with another sibling's blood on her hands?

Her Uncle hacking and coughing as he made his way in from his late night escapades startled her from her thoughts.

"Third night in a row you've been up writing," he observed, "You'll get wrinkles with all that squinting."

"There is a lot to arrange," she replied, surprised at how tired she sounded, "What time is it?"

"About three hours before sunrise."

"Oh good, there's still time to go see Varric before he passes out."

Gamlen frowned,

"Your mother won't want you wandering the streets alone, even for that short distance."

"Fine," she sighed and shook Carver, "Come on Carver, we're going to the Hanged Man."

He sleepily swatted her away and pulled the blanket over his head.

"Merrill might be there…"

He snorted and threw the blanket off, "I'm up! I'm up!"

She supressed her laughter and rolled her eyes. Ever since they had met the young elf girl, her brother had been madly in love with her. Isabella called it puppy love, it was kind of pathetic and Merrill seemed totally oblivious. It was almost painful to watch sometimes.

As they entered the Hanged Man Selene was not surprised to find it raucous and rowdy, she was surprised to see Fenris though.

"You're out late, this isn't usually you're favourite place," she said sitting beside him.

"It's not, but Isabella _insisted._"

His tone was dry and he seemed bored.

"Oh?"

She was surprised he would let the woman talk him into anything.

"Besides, I thought I should attempt to save Merrill from her influence, abomination that she is."

She felt slightly hurt that his hatred for mages was still so strong after all the months she had known him but she decided to let it slide.

"And how is that going?"

He looked at her and raised his eyebrows, "You tell me."

Merrill's shrill laughter filled the air as he spoke, her cheeks were rosy and she had the goofy grin of a drunk plastered on her face.

"I see."

"Hawke! I'm glad you're here, can we talk?"

The familiar voice of her friend cut through the noise, she would have to ask him how he did that one day.

"You look like hell girl, been up all night again?"

"Carver just can't keep his mouth shut can he?" She sighed rubbing her eyes again.

"Eh don't be so hard on the lad, he's just worried about you."

"He won't be after I tell him he isn't coming with us."

Varric didn't seem all that surprised with her decision.

"To tell you the truth, I think it's for the best. I've been talking to Aveline and she said she'd keep an eye on him for you."

The mage stared into her cup as the dwarf poured her some honey mead.

"He'll get over it eventually. And maybe if you're not around he might take some initiative and actually _do _something, instead of using living in your shadow as an excuse for everything."

"I hope you're right. We were never really friends, and after giving him father's letters he seemed glad to know he was worth something in a mage family…"

Before she could finish speaking the sound of breaking glass, followed by raucous laughter stopped her.

"I'd better get Merrill home, before Isabella talks her into something I'll regret."

She chucked a fat parcel of papers onto the table.

"Here is our investment, tell your brother I expect to leave within the week." 

OOooOOooOOooOO

"Are you alright Blondie? You look like you're about to birth a cactus."

Selene snorted at Varric's words, though Anders did seem to have a strange expression on his face.

"Let's just say the Deep Roads are not my favourite place in the world," He replied, grimacing slightly.

"You didn't have to come you know, I'm sure there will be many a Fereldan plotting Selene's death for taking their pet mage away."

Anders scowled at Fenris,

"You didn't have to come either, and yet here you are, at the request of a mage no less."

"I owe her," the elf growled back, "What have you ever done except bore us to death with your endless prattling about mages!"

Selene could feel a change in the air as Anders anger grew, it felt a lot like the time in the Chntry when-

"Stop it! The both of you!" she scolded, "We need our wits about us in this place, I'd rather _not_ catch a Darkspawn arrow with my throat whilst you two squabble like children!"

The two men glared at each other for a few tense moments before Anders growled and walked away.

"Why did we bring those two again?" asked Varric.

The mage sighed. She thought it might be hard on Anders, he was a Grey Warden after all. It couldn't have been easy for him to come here, but she needed his skills. The fact that he could sense when the Darkspawn were near was an added bonus.

There was something strange about the old Thaig, they had not encountered any Darkspawn in a while and Selene felt uneasy. There was a ripple in the air and her sense of foreboding grew the deeper they explored. As they came upon a large, seemingly empty room she felt suddenly drained. She looked toward Anders and knew he too could feel it.

"Hey, look at this!" Varric's voice echoed around the room, causing her to start.

On an altar in the dead center of the room was the ugliest, most evil looking idol she had ever seen, she was repelled by the sight of it.

"Is that _Lyrium?_"

Before she could stop herself she had picked it up, her skin crawled and she shivered, shoving the thing at Varric.

"It's definitely magic, and not the good kind."

Anders sounded worried

"There's a good kind?" asked Fenris dryly, he seemed oblivious to their misgivings.

Varric's eyes gleamed at the possibility of more treasure as he handed the idol to his brother.

"we're going to explore more, see what else we can find."

"You do that," Bertrand smiled, Selene did not like the look on his face.

"The door!" she cried as the dwarf slammed it behind him.

"Bertrand! You would sell out your brother for a few coins?"

Bertrand's voice was muffled, but his intent was clear.

"Sorry Varric, but this Thaig is worth a fortune, and I'm not willing to split it three ways!"

"Bertrand? Bertrand!"

Selene hated to hear the panic in Varric's voice, she had never seen him like this before. They tried blasting the door with magic and prying it open but nothing seemed to work, at least the mages didn't feel drained anymore.

"I swear, if we find a way out of here I am going to hunt down that son of a bitch –_sorry mother_- and _**kill **_him!"

Selene felt his pain, she remembered the look on Carver's face when she had told him he would not be joining them. She hated the way he had looked at her, spit at her then stormed off. They had not spoken again before she left.

Varric sighed and turned around, "I guess all we can do is keep going and hope we find a way out."


	2. Betrayal

"Ok, we are officially going around in circles, I swear I saw that rock an hour ago."

Selene wasn't paying much attention to the dwarf's words, the farther they progressed the more ill at ease she felt. Long glowing veins made of a substance much like the lyrium idol sprouted from the walls around them, it was giving her a headache and making her nauseous. Another thing that worried her was they had not seen any enemies for hours; no Darkspawn, no shades…nothing.

The others counted it as a blessing, she wasn't so sure.

"I think we should take a break,"

She plopped down heavily onto some stones, immediately regretting it as their jagged edges dug into her.

"Ouch!"

She stood and rubbed her buttocks, nearly toppling over as the cavern began to rumble. The stones she had landed on formed into a humanoid shape, a bright blaze glowing at its core as it stared at her with its eerie dead skull. It's roar echoed around them as it charged her, she had no time to react as it slammed her into the rocky wall. She heard her ribs cracking as Varric called out to her, spraying the creature with arrows. The rogue had caught its attention and was attempting to lure it away.

Selene gasped in pain, trying to take tiny breaths as her lungs punctured from the broken ribs. Anders ran to her side concern clear on his face.

"Where does it hurt?"

She could not really as she gasped, black and red spots clouding her vision as her lungs deflated. As her body went numb she felt him take her into his arms, rubbing her back gently. She felt the cold as the healing spell worked through her, repairing bone and muscle. She sighed in relief and sagged against him holding tight as she felt the strength return to her body.

"Thank you Anders."

He did not get to reply as Fenris' growl caught both their attention. His hand glowed as he reached into the chest of the monster, extinguishing its brightness with his fist. The thing toppled to the ground, nothing more than a pile of rocks once again.

"Bloody flames! What _was_ that thing?"

Varric's voice was filled with awe.

"I have no idea, but I don't think his friends are very pleased with us."

The girl looked up as Anders spoke, seeing the glow of more rock creatures approach them,

"Get ready!"

Now that they were prepared they used magic and potions to blast their way through, but there seemed to be no end to them.

**Enough!**

The voice echoed throughout the cavern, stopping them in their tracks.

**You have proven your mettle, I would not have these creatures harmed without need.**

Another of the things formed, but this one was much bigger and its aura shone with intelligence. Selene looked at it incredulously,

"I'd say being attacked on sight gives us plenty of need."

The group did not let down their guard.

**They will no longer attack you, the Profane have lingered here for centuries, they hunger…but not for you.**

She could tell it from a mile away even without Anders pointing it out to her.

"You're a Demon, you feed off their hunger."

**I know your desire, you wish to leave this place…but to do so you need my help…**

Anders shook furiously, "Don't do it Selene…"

She wanted to scowl at him but refrained, she would never bargain with a monster, but he was too angry to notice.

"Sorry, but I'm not in the habit of consorting with Demons."

**That…is very unwise.**

It screeched and launched at her but she was ready, she sent a fireball straight at its chest, blasting a huge hole. It seemed to stop in confusion before the light in its eyes disappeared and its body crumbled to dust.

The ground glowed as the Demon took its true form, its ugliness made her recoil.

"Watch it Hawke!"

Anders pulled her to safety just as the floor beneath her gave way, she landed on top of him, elbowing him in the face. As he held his nose in pain their robes got tangled and she could not stand as the Demon approached her. It roared in triumph before its face contorted in mild surprise. Fenris had driven the blade of his longsword through its chest.

With one more scream of rage it finally disappeared and the elf helped her stand. She was kind of jealous that he could look so good after being underground and fighting for days without rest, maybe it had something to do with his markings? With a start she realised she was staring and he had noticed, she turned away blushing to see Anders gingerly touching his nose.\

"Here, my turn."

She put her hand on his cheek and let the spell spread along his face, she did not know much about healing magic but what he had taught her so far would suffice for this small injury. He was smiling at her and something in his gaze gave her butterflies, she turned away confused.

Maybe it was just lack of sleep but she was certain she felt a connection there, something that she also thought she felt with Fenris…

She sighed and rubbed her eyes just as she heard the dwarf whoop with glee.

"Well, will you look at that?"

Apparently the Demon had been hoarding treasure, Selene had never seen so much gold in her life!

Varric rifled through the chests, "Aha! A key, The kind that opens doors I hope," his eyes gleamed, "Let's collect the best of what we can carry and go."

The girl could not agree more, she would be happy never to have to set foot in the place again.

"How long do you think it will take us to get out?" she asked Varric.

"If we're unlucky, maybe a week," he sounded unconcerned.

"And if we're lucky?"

A smirk crossed his features and his face clouded.

"If we're lucky…we stumble on Bertrand's corpse on the way."

She couldn't help but shake her head as he led the way.

OOooOOooOOooOOooOO

Selene stared at her brother in horror.

"Carver, what are you wearing?"

The look he gave her broke her heart, all the hatred she thought they had put behind them was right there, on the surface.

"I've joined the Templar order. There's no point trying to talk me out of it; it's done."

"Mother, did you drop him on his head when he was a baby?"

He scoffed and glared at her, "Don't worry, I'll keep your secret. _I _know the value of family."

She wanted to scream at him, tell him if he did he wouldn't break their mother's heart like this, betray their family like this…

But she just let him storm out and went to comfort the weeping Leandra. The mage was so angry she couldn't see straight, if he wasn't her brother she might have set him on fire for upsetting the woman.

Leandra looked at her, smiling sadly through her tears.

"Do not think to unkindly on him, he is still just a boy."

Selene resisted the urge to roll her eyes and instead gave her mother a long hug.

"Come with me, I have something to show you."


	3. Heartache

As she entered the Hawke Estate she couldn't believe that it now belonged to her, to her mother. It had taken years to reacquire the old Amell Estate but she had fixed it up and it stood proudly in the centre of HighTown, a testament to her wealth and power. Leandra had not been able to hold back tears of happiness when she had first seen it, she had taken her daughters hands and kissed them. Selene was moved by the emotion in her mother's voice as she explored her family history once again.

This was the first time however, that her friends has all come to visit.

"Nicely done Hawke," Varric whistled, impressed.

"Although, the Riviani still thinks you should have bought her a ship and sailed off into the sunset."

Isabella grinned and shrugged, "What can I say? I like big boats and I cannot lie."

Aveline had returned to her duties as Captain of the Guard, Merrill played with all the shiny objects on display and Fenris seemed to regard her bookshelves with curiosity.

"You can borrow any you like," she said, seeming to catch him off guard.

"Oh no I couldn't, that is to say…" he seemed to hesitate, "I cannot read."

"Oh."

She felt embarrassed, of _course _he couldn't read, he'd be a slave most of his life. Her off handed comment was ridiculous.

"Well…I could teach you sometime, if you like."

He looked at her surprised, but a smile crept over his face.

"That would be…acceptable."

She smiled back at him, "Well now you know where I live."

"Indeed."

His reply was dry, of course he did, she lived practically across the street from him now.

"Maybe you could borrow some furniture and liven up your place a bit."

"I like it the way it is, if there are things for people to crash into in the dark then I will know they are there."

She wasn't sure whether he was joking or not and his face gave nothing away. Suddenly she realised someone was missing.

"Where is Anders?"

OOooOOooOOooOOooOO

She stood leaning against the door frame of the clinic, he was catching up on greeting all the Fereldans he had left behind when they went to the Deep Roads. She felt guilty, he had so much work to do now because she had asked him to go. She did not know why he had not said no to her when she asked, she had fully expected him to turn her down. She caught herself sighing as he spoke to patients, lots of young women milled around him. It was strange to see them all here in Dark Town, being the bowels of the city, but it was him that brought them and she could not blame them. She was about to leave and let him work when he saw her, the smile her gave her melted her heart and she couldn't move as he approached her.

Why did she feel like this? When Fenris had smiled at her earlier in the night her heart had turned in her chest almost exactly the same as this, it couldn't be love if it was felt for two people….could it?

He introduced her to some of his patients, some she knew and some were new. They did not like her, she could tell, even if she _was _one of them she had taken Anders away from them and now her station was way above theirs. They were afraid she would take him away again and it showed on their faces.

"Maybe I should go…"

He did not seem to notice their disdain for her,

"Before you do, I was wondering if you could speak to Carver for me."

She was suddenly suspicious, "The Templars were sniffing around here weren't they? I really wish you would leave this hovel and find somewhere else, hells Low Town is better than this place."

She had been trying to get him away from Dark Town as long as she had known him, but he always just shook his head and told her it was the safest place for him to be.

"I'm just worried about all the raids the Knight Templar has been instigating lately. Not for me but for the families of the Mages already in the circle."

"Well I'm worried for _you_ Anders, If they want you, they'll have to go through me first!"

He chuckled at her fierceness before sighing.

"Don't worry about me, what if after all this, your money and position mean nothing, and Meredith comes after you too?"

He placed a hand gently on her cheek and she was frozen by his touch.

"After everything I've done to control this…I don't care. I would drown us all in blood to keep you safe."

The implications of his words broke the spell she was under.

"I don't want to see you lose yourself, to Justice or the Templars."

He moved away, sadness etched on his features.

"When you strip away both of those, what is left?"

He looked at her, his eyes sorrowful and full of regret.

"There will be more violence, I know that. If you tie yourself to me, I'll only hurt you."

She did not understand, was this his way of rejecting her? Letting her down gently?

"Please Anders I-"

"You don't want to do this, I have no control around you."

His closeness made her shiver, her heart beating a mile a minute.

"I've never met another mage like you," he said, pushing a loose golden strand of her hair back behind her ear, "Don't tempt me, not unless you are prepared for what that means."

She forced herself to look into his eyes, they glowed with an ethereal darkness.

Justice was watching.

She jerked away at the disapproval that lay there before Anders returned to himself.

Without another word she turned and walked away.


	4. Revelation

"Stop right there!"

Selene looked up as they were surrounded by bandits, "Hunters," Fenris hissed, gripping the hilt of his sword tightly.

"You are in possession of stolen property. Back away from the slave now and you will be spared."

"Fenris is a free man!"

The slavers were delusional if they thought she was just going to hand him over without a fight.

"I will not repeat myself!" the man barked, "Back away from the slave or die!"

Fenris began to glow, the lyrium in his veins taking on an iridescent blue hue.

"I am _not_ your slave!"

Power exploded forth from his fists destroying the overhang the slavers were standing on and knocking everyone over in the process. Selene cast a spell under her breath, causing all of her companion's weapons to ignite with a bright green flame. With the element of surprise they were able to quickly cut down the hunters with ease. A groan made them turn, Fenris was on top of the man before he could move.

"_Where is he?"_

Selene was surprised at his tone, even when speaking of Danarius before this, his voice had never been so full of hate and rage.

"I don't know! Please, it was Hadriana that bought us!"

"I should have known, where is she?"

"At the slaver's caves on the coast, I can show you!"

The fear in the man's voice was pathetic.

"No need, I know of the ones you speak of."

"Then please, let me go!"

Ten minutes ago the man had been trying to kill them, and now he was begging for his life? Fenris showed no mercy.

"_You chose the wrong master."_

The snap of the mage's neck was audible in the silent clearing. Fenris stood, visibly shaking. Selene unconsciously backed away from the murder in his eyes.

"I was a fool to think I was free, they will never let me be!"

The young woman wanted to comfort him, but knew instinctively it probably would not be a good idea.

"Who is Hadriana?" she asked quietly, "Danarius' apprentice, she would sell her own children if she thought it would help her rise in power. If she is here, it is at his bidding."

He punched the overhang, sending shale raining down onto them.

"I knew he wouldn't let this go!"

Selene looked him in the eyes, catching his intention.

"Then we will go find this Hadriana and get some answers.

OOooOOooOOooOOooOO

As they entered the caverns a blood sacrifice was laid before them, a man with his throat and both wrists cut, the blood drained completely from his corpse.

"Witness the glory of the Tevinter mages,"

The malice in the elf's voice overrode the sarcasm.

It was clear the caves were being lived in.

"Which way do we go?" asked Isabela, "This place is a maze."

"We follow the stench of blood magic."

No one argued with him as he led the way.

They were assaulted at every turn, as though Hadriana was throwing everything she had at them. Fenris' grim determination scared her a little. As they entered the farthest room of the caves a dark haired woman greeted them, her aura was black and Selene could feel the malcontent pouring out of her.

"You made a terrible mistake coming here!"

Suddenly they were surrounded, men and demons filling the room out of nowhere. Fenris roared in frustration as he was blocked off and Selene thought she saw a flicker of fear in the Magister's features. The young woman felt her power swell within her as she called upon the tempest. Rain, hail and wind beat down upon them in the crowded room, soaking everyone and causing confusion amongst the enemy. Isabela expertly sliced and dodged her way through their adversaries as Varric stood back and picked them off one by one with Bianca. Finally when it was only Hardriana and a room full of bodies Fenris charged her, pinning her against the wall, his arm at her throat.

"Stop! You do not want me dead!"

Fenris snorted, "There is only one person I wish dead more."

"I have information for you, you have a sister! Let me go and her location is yours!"

Fenris hesitated and the girl stepped forward.

"How do we know you are telling the truth?"

The mage laughed, "You don't, but I know Fenris and what he is searching for. If he wants me to betray Danarius, he'll have to pay for it!"

Selene could see he hadn't been lying about her, she would sell out anyone if it meant her own survival.

"Fenris, it's your decision, but do you really want to risk it?"

He ignored her, leaning down to hear what the mage was saying.

"I believe you," he whispered, easing off her neck…

Before reaching into her chest and crushing her heart.

"We are done here."

He stood and turned away, emotionless; she did not like to see him like this.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked gently,

"No I don't want to talk about it!" his tone implied she had asked the stupidest question in existence.

"It could be a trap, if she knows then Danarius sent her here to trick me, and even if he didn't who knows what they've already done to this _sister_, All that matters now is that I got to crush this bitches heart."

The glee in his voice made her shiver.

"May she rot in hell along with the rest of them."

She felt like she had been kicked in the stomach but she couldn't stop herself from reaching out, touching his shoulder.

"Do not comfort me," he shook her off and turned to face her, so close she could feel the heat from his body.

"You saw what was done here, there is always going to be some reason, some excuse for mages to abuse their power."

With each word she felt paralyzed in the face of his anger.

"What has magic touched that it does not spoil?"

Al she could do was stare at him, unable to break from his gaze. Suddenly his expression changed as he realised what he had said.

"I…have to go."

Before she could stop him he had left the three of them there to find their own way back.

OOooOOooOOooOO

No one had seen or heard from Fenris in three weeks.

Selene was starting to wonder if he would return at all, and if he did what would he say to her?

He had made it pretty clear her very presence disgusted him and she should have been outraged at his accusations. Instead she was just…sad.

She felt like an idiot, standing the doorway just outside Anders' clinic. She had something for him but was not sure how to approach him. He was acting like his normal sarcastic self around her, but she could still not erase his rejection from her mind.

"The place doesn't smell that bad does it?"

His voice startled her from her thoughts, causing her to drop the item she had been playing with in her hands for the past hour.

"I had it hosed down last month, I swear!"

He regarded her curiously as she bent to pick up the little box.

"What's that?"

"Oh, just something I found that I thought you might like."

She sounded more nervous then she would have liked but he didn't seem to notice.

"You got me a gift? I hardly think I've done anything to deserve that."

He opened the box, revealing a Tevinter Imperium amulet. He looked at her and frowned slightly.

"Do you want me to get executed? It's sacrilege to wear those in any land under the Divine."

His words surprised her, "Oh, do you not like it? I just thought because the Magister's were free mages-I can destroy it if you want…"

She felt silly, stumbling over her words but he smiled softly seeing her intention.

"No, I like it. You just surprised me is all."

He turned those dark eyes onto her and she wondered if Justice was in there watching, disapproving.

"I appreciate the gift, perhaps one day I can return one as meaningful."

As she left she snuck a look back at him, he was regarding the box forlornly and she wondered what he was thinking about. On second thought, as her heart pounded in her chest, maybe it was for the best that she didn't know.


	5. Rescue

"Bohdan! More wine!"

She had just spent three days tracking down a killer that culminated in a long drawn out battle with yet another blood mage, and apparently the real killer was still at large anyway. Anders had healed her physical wounds but mentally she was exhausted. All she wanted to do now was sit in front of the fire and get happily drunk. He heard footsteps and turned, her hand outstretched for the pitcher.

"Fenris!"

The elf stood before her, he looked exactly the same as when she had seen him a month ago.

"I have been thinking about what happened with Hadriana. I took out my anger on you, undeservedly so. I was…not myself. I'm sorry."

It seemed he expected her to speak, but he drunken mind could not find the words.

Here he was; standing before her, gorgeous and apologetic…

And she just wanted to punch him.

And kiss him…

And _punch_ him!

"I had no idea where you went," the words slipped from her mouth unprovoked, "I was worried."

"I needed to be alone. Hadriana was a source of torment for me during my time as a slave, the thought of her slipping out of my grasp now…" He looked away, "I couldn't let her go. I wanted to, but I couldn't. I thought I had rid myself of this hate when I left Danarius behind."

He shook his head as if to rid himself of the thoughts.

"I didn't come here to burden you further."

Suddenly she was angry,

"Then why _are _you here?" she asked, her voice cracking with the strain of the emotion.

"You practically call me an abomination then storm off to Maker knows where leaving me to worry sick, though why should I? Because apparently I'm going to suddenly turn into a demon and have no feelings at all and-"

His hand was over her mouth, stopping the flood of words that she herself could not. His hand was warm, her lips brushing his palm.

"You're drunk," he murmured, removing his hand.

"Thank you Mr Obvious."

He smiled and shook his head, "I think it would be best for the both of us if I left."

She watched helplessly as he walked away, no words would come to her.

She sighed and turned back to the fire, draining the last dregs of wine from her cup. A loud banging on the front door startled her into dropping it, cursing loudly she flung it open.

"What? Did you forget to call me a-"

She stopped mid-sentence, it wasn't the elf.

"Mistress Hawke!"

A small frightened boy stood before her.

"Please, you must come quickly! My mother is birthing and there is no one else!"

His panicked voice cut through her haze,

"But I only know a little healing-"

"There is too much blood to wait and you are the closest! Please, if you can just stem the blood for long enough for me to get the midwife…"

It made sense, even through her drunkenness,

"Ok, lead the way."

OOooOOooOOooOO

Selene moaned in pain, her head bobbed and her body ached. As she came to she realised she was prone on a cold stone floor with no recollection on how she had gotten there. She tried to move and found that her hands had been shackled to the wall above her head, her arms were numb from the way she had been laying and pins and needles tingled through her body.

Where the hell was she?

The last thing she remembered was a little boy pleading for help, then nothing.

"_Selene you idiot,"_ she chided herself.

She had to admit; her encounter with Fenris and her drinking, along with the boy's panic had clouded her judgement. She stood, though it took her a moment and looked around her.

Curiously she looked closer at her chains and her heart skipped a beat.

_It couldn't be, it was impossible…_

"Red lyrium?"

Who were her captors, and how had they come across it?

No wonder she had been feeling sick and drained, on top of everything else her magic was being sucked out of her.

"I see you are finally awake."

Her head jerked up at a woman's voice, she was dark haired, mid thirties and looked as though she was trying to retain her youth.

"The great Selene Hawke, collared and cowed. I never thought I would see this day."

"Who are you? What is this?"

Her voice was croaky and she realised for the first time she was parched.

"Ah yes, I'm guessing you are a tad confused," the woman smiled, "I am Brehka, and _you_ my dear are to be sold as a slave."

She chuckled, playing with a strand of Selene's hair,

"I'm guessing you will fetch a high price at auction, you will make me rich."

The gleam in the older woman's eyes sickened her.

"You think no one will notice I'm missing? You won't get away with this…"

Brehka laughed unconcerned.

"But I already have. Here you are, helpless as a newborn babe. All I have to do is pretty you up and tomorrow I will be richer than the viscount himself!"

Selene tried to call on her magic but the shackles just glowed and sucked it right from her veins with each attempt.

"Oh, poor dear, not much of a fighter without your magic now are you?"

Brehka leaned in, her breath hot on the Selene's face.

"Maybe you should have destroyed that Thaig. With power like this, the Templars and Chantry can rid the world of mages and abominations all together!"

The young woman raged, she knew the implications of what the slaver was saying.

"_I'll show you cowed," _she thought fiercely.

Without hesitation she head butted her captor.

Brehka screeched in pain and stood back, blood trailing from her nose.

"I'd heard you were feisty, I shall have fun breaking you."

An evil grin crossed her face.

"But we wouldn't want to lower your value so….Dengar!"

A broad, ugly man entered the room, several instruments of torture dangled and clinked on his belt.

The slaver looked up at him.

"Make it hurt….but make it invisible…"

OOooOOooOOooOO

She tried to remain stoic throughout the torture, she did not want to give Brehka the satisfaction of her cries. But after what felt like an eternity she couldn't hold it in anymore.

Her sobs of pain and shame echoed around the room, Dengar knew just where to knick her skin to draw minimal blood with maximum pain. They would not let her pass out, instead throwing buckets of water on her head. They refused to heal her, she knew there would be permanent scars left on her body. The fact that she couldn't heal the tiniest of cuts sent her into despair.

This was what they wanted when they sold her, weak as a kitten and unable to fight back.

Eventually it stopped.

She was dressed in a simple woollen shift, her hair braided and tied with a red ribbon. Dengar practically had to carry her to the holding room, she knew she had at least one cracked rib and bruises and cuts littered her torso and legs.

As she sat chained to the floor she could hear Brehka greeting her 'guests.'

Was this how it was going to end for her?

Laughter reached her ears and she scowled.

"What's with the sour face little bird? Your leash too tight?"

The small room filled with people, laughing at her expense.

"I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes."

The same voice spoke and she located the owner, a portly old gentleman stepped forward, the dark gleam in his eyes terrified her.

"For such a prize I would pay two thousand…"

_Sovereigns?_

"Four thousand!"

"Eight!"

"Eleven thousand sovereigns!"

She could not move, could not believe this was happening.

Hands pulled her roughly to her feet and she was staring into the face of the old man.

"Pretty birds are made for caging."

He licked his lips and she tried to pull back in disgust.

"I'll die first!"

Her knee was the perfect height to send him sprawling to the floor in spasms of pain.

"Bitch!" Brehka cried, slapping her so hard her head snapped back and cracked against the wall.

Her vision exploded into stars and she crumpled to the floor crying. She hardly noticed the chaos that had begun around her until cool hands touched her forehead.

"Thank the Maker, we are not too late."

She recognised the voice but the agony in her skull kept her from concentrating on anything.

"Blazes Hawke, you're a mess! What have they done to you?"

As she could do was whimper as gentle fingers roamed through her hair, someone cursed.

"Her skull has been cracked, she has at least two broken ribs, and something is preventing me from healing her!"

A sharp intake of breath pulled her back to consciousness.

"The shackles, look what they are made of!"

Grunting ensued as an attempt to remove her bonds was made, a comforting voice murmured in her ear, keeping her on the verge.

"Step aside."

Metal shattered under hammer and she was lifted from the floor, the vertigo causing her to gasp and grab tight to her rescuer.

"We must move quickly."

"Fenris!"

Those gentle hands were on her head again,

"At least let me heal her head first!"

She felt a growl rumble in his chest but he did not protest.

Oh sweet relief, the pounding in her head eased and her body aches lessened.

She managed to crack open an eye and look up. Fenris and Anders were glaring at each other, the mage still had his fingers wrapped in her hair. The sound of shouting broke their gazes.

Varric reloaded Bianca as they ran, the elf held her tight to his chest, as though she weighed nothing. He could not fight so Anders and Varric had to cover him as they escaped. Selene could feel the cold metal of his armour as she gripped onto him, she could smell the leather and sweat and breathed it in.

"Fenris…"

"I'm here."

That was all she needed to hear.

OOooOOooOOooOO

She woke with a start, not realising she had fallen asleep. In her wild attempt to kick of the blankets strong hands restrained her.

"Take it easy, you're still mending."

The familiar voice stopped her frantic flailing in its tracks.

"Anders?"

She lay back and he smiled at her, sitting beside her on the bed.

"I made your mother go get some sleep, she was frantic with worry, we all were."

She sat up, revelling in the comfort of her own bed, wrapping the blanket closely around her.

"What happened?" she asked, trying to piece it all together.

"Our best guess is that it was an experiment. I gather you worked out pretty quickly that the chains they bound you with were made of red lyrium."

She nodded absently, caught up in remembering how helpless she had felt without her magic.

"From what Varric has been able to find out, someone sold the slavers the maps to the Deep Roads. They must have gone down there and discovered the properties of the lyrium."

He looked strained and worried,

"Let's just say I'm glad we found you when we did. Varric is taking care of it."

"How did you find me?" she asked, overwhelmed by all the information, a flicker of something she didn't recognise crossed his features.

"It doesn't matter, you're here and you're safe."

He touched her face, his fingers coming to rest near her mouth. They were staring at each other but neither one could look away. The emotions warring on her friends face confused her.

"I-"

"Darling! You're awake!"

Anders practically leapt from the bed as her mother came into the room. The woman did not seem to notice the awkwardness as she embraced her daughter tightly.

"I'm fine Mother," she managed, as the air was crushed from her lungs. She watched Anders leave, he hesitated at the door but did not look back.


	6. Fools

**Thank you to everyone who has been reading my stories, I really appreciate the favourites. I had to rewrite the love scene in this chapter three times as I haven't had much practice with them! I hope you enjoy it and don't forget to let me know what you think!**

OOooOOooOOooOO

She was losing badly.

"It's your play Hawke,"

The dwarf smirked at her as she looked at her cards, frowning in concentration. She picked a card and hesitantly placed it on the table.

Varric threw his cards down, "Sorry my friend, guess the next round is on you."

She groaned and sat back, "I am really bad at this."

All she wanted to do was relax, the tension between the Qunari and Kirkwall had been rising ever since one of their emissaries went missing. She had been doing everything in her power to locate him but was blocked at every turn. Thankfully a small lead ha been passed her way, but it would have to wait until tomorrow.

As she arrived home Bohdan said she had a visitor; curious, she entered the parlour to find Anders.

"I need your help, can we speak privately?"

She looked around to find her mother, Bohdan and Sandal milling about.

"Follow me."

She led the way up the stairs to her study.

"What is this about Anders?" she asked crossing her arms and leaning against the bookshelf.

"Have you noticed how many tranquil have appeared in the Gallows courtyard lately? And don't say I'm just sensitive to it, everyday there are more of them."

He sighed and sat in the chair opposite her.

"These were good mages, people I _know _passed their Harrowing."

"Wait, isn't that against Chantry law?"

Selene didn't like the sound of this.

"it's true, but it seems the Templars are working on a deliberate plan to turn every mage in Kirkwall within the next three years."

She shook her head disbelievingly.

"They wouldn't do that, Carver would have said something . He might hate me but he would never wish that on me."

"I've talked to people on the inside, it is the work of a Templar named Alrik. He's a nasty piece of work, I've had a run in with him myself." A shadow passed over his features as he spoke, "He's the one who did the ritual on Karl, he likes to see mages beg."

He stepped closer, lowering his voice even though no one else could hear.

"I've been working with a group of mages, there is an entrance underneath the Gallows. If we can gather some evidence the Grand Cleric will finally be forced to act!"

His hands were on her shoulders, his face earnest and pleading.

"Come with me tonight, please. Help me find the evidence of Alrik's tranquil solution."

His insistence concerned her.

"Of course I will, I wouldn't let you face it alone."

He smiled in relief, "You are the one bright light in Kirkwall."

He let go of her, distracted once more.

"I have always feared being made tranquil, now more than ever…"

That strange expression flitted across his face again.

"Come, we must leave now if we want to stay one step ahead."

OOooOOooOOooOO

They travelled to Dark Town, Fenris and Varric joining them. They each had their own reasons for coming along, but she could not guess at the elf's knowing how much he disliked Anders.

As they reached the back passages that led to the tunnels Anders looked sad.

"I have personally led five mages to safety through these tunnels, they bent down to kiss the ground through the sewage…"

His voice was grim, knowing that perhaps that would not being happening any longer.

The place was crawling with lyrium smugglers, they were the ones who had built the tunnels to service the Templars need for the substance. They had no trouble dispatching the rogues and as they drew closer to the mage prison they disappeared altogether.

Out of nowhere they heard shouting, Anders put a finger to his lips and motioned for them to follow.

"No please, I haven't done anything wrong!"

A templar stood over a young mage girl,

"You're a very naughty girl, trying to sneak away. But once you are made tranquil you'll do anything I ask…"

Selene was disgusted by his tone, she could see that Anders was struggling to keep himself under control.

"What are you doing to that girl!"

As she cried out Anders roared, his voice and demeanour were not his own.

"You fiends will never touch a mage again!"

He glowed, power surged forth from him completely decimating the Templars. When he was done there was nothing left but mush and bone dust.

But he was out of control.

"They will die, I will have every last Templar for these abuses!"

The power emanating from him scared her, she forced herself to take his arm.

"Anders please, calm down! It's over, they're all dead!"

He shook her off.

"Get away from me demon!" the young mage girl cried, he directed his ethereal blue gaze onto her.

"I am no demon, I am Justice! Are you one of them that you would call me such?"

"Anders! That girl is a mage, she is the reason you are fighting!"

Selene grabbed her companion, taking his face into her hands and forcing him to look at her.

"Anders!"

He blinked and pulled away, holding his head in his hands and the blue glow faded.

"Maker no," he whispered in agony.

He looked at her, fear plain in his eyes, "If you hadn't been here…" sobs wracked his body, "I have to get out of here…"

Stumbling backwards he left them behind, running away from the pain, running away from her.

"Anders wait!" she called, but he was gone.

"Let him go,"

Fenris came to stand beside her,

"We have other business to attend to."

He was of course referring to the mage girl cowering before them. She sighed and rubbed her eyes.

So much for a relaxing night.

OOooOOooOOooOO

"Anders, are you alright?"

She had found him the next day restlessly sorting through his things at the clinic, when he turned to look at her it was plain he had not slept. She handed him a piece of paper.

"I found this with Alrik, it seems the tranquil solution began and ended with him."

He took the note, surprise clear on his face as he read it.

"She rejected it, the Grand Cleric rejected it."

He sighed in relief, "Maybe she is more reasonable then I thought. Maybe…I should speak with her."

He smiled, it was the first time she had seen him do so in days.

"I want to thank you, if it weren't for you…"

The intensity of his deep brown eyes bored into her own,

"I know you won't let me loose myself to him."

He turned to as patients entered the clinic, back to his old self. Relieved, she headed for home.

Fenris was waiting for her just outside the doors.

"The dregs of humanity down with its waste, fitting."

She chose to ignore him, Anders stayed by choice and even though she wished he was in a safer place she found it admirable.

"Are you stalking me? Everytime I turn around, there you are."

He seemed flustered by her comment.

"No I- was just making sure you were safe."

"Relax," she laughed, "I was just joking."

He fell into step silently beside her as she walked, something in his gait told her there was much on his mind. She noticed he had a bright red ribbon wrapped around his right wrist.

"What is that?" she asked curiously, trying to get a better look.

"It is nothing, I-"

Without warning he pulled her into a dark corner, his hands on her shoulders as he pushed her against the wall.

"I must speak with you."

"Fenris, what-?"

He did not let her finish,

"After all that has happened, I cannot stop thinking about you, in fact I think of little else."

His proximity overwhelmed her, it felt as though her body was calling to his.

"What do you want from me?" she whispered pleadingly, his hot/cold attitude had her reeling.

"May I see you tonight?" He was hesitant, his voice unsure.

She could not speak but nodded her eyes wide with surprise. Suddenly he was no longer leaning against her and she was alone in the alley. She took a deep breath, trying to slow her galloping heart and headed for home.

OOooOOooOOooOO

She was nervous, why was she so nervous? Every time she thought of the look in his eyes…

She had to shake the memories from her mind, she couldn't think straight if it kept wandering to that moment. She had been distracted all day thinking and waiting for nightfall to come. Now that it was here…

She needed more time, she-

"Hawke?"

She nearly jumped out of her skin,

"Will you stop _doing _that?"

Her nerves made her sound gruffer than she meant to.

He joined her by the fire, her body zinged, as though drawn to him like a magnet. She looked shyly up at him, the hunger and longing in his eyes made her weak at the knees.

He stepped closer, his face inches from hers.

"Command me to go, and I shall."

Her breath caught in her throat as she reached up to touch his face,

"No."

He closed his eyes, catching her hand with his own. He kissed her palm, her wrist…

He closed the gap between them, his mouth brushing hers, teasing her. His lips were so soft and she moaned as he deepened the kiss, tongues an teeth colliding. Selene ran her fingers through his silky hair and massaged the back of his neck, she could feel his fingers undoing her robe as his mouth explored her face and neck. Without being able to see what she was doing she managed to get the straps of his armour loose, sending it clanging to the floor. His gauntlets and shirt followed soon after.

She looked at his chest, the lyrium markings glowed softly in the firelight. She ran her fingers over the patterns.

"Does it hurt?"

"Yes."

She looked at him, he was smiling at her fascination.

"Do you want me to stop?"

"No."

His mouth was on hers again, devouring her. She felt the bed catch her as he pushed her back gently, placing his hand at the small of her back. The elf's hands cupped her breasts and she moaned in pleasure as he licked and sucked her taut nipples. She wrapped her legs around him, pulling him up until he was kissing her again. Her hands wandered down his chest over tight muscles until she found his bulge. She stroked gently and he moaned against her mouth, pushing onto her hand.

With graceful ease he pulled of his pants, she gasped when she felt his true length. He placed himself right at her entrance, prodding and teasing gently, her thighs tingled and she wanted to scream.

"Fenris, please…"

She did not recognise her own voice, thick with desire as she pleaded for release.

As he entered her she arched her back, that action alone pushing her to the brink.

She cried out, first in pain but then ecstasy as the rhythm of his thrusts lit her blood on fire.

"Maker save me!" she gasped as light exploded behind her eyelids, her body instinctively tightening around him. Seconds later she heard him groan as his body shuddered in climax. He collapsed onto the bed next to her, his breath ragged. He kissed her shoulder, wrapping an arm around her waist and falling into and exhausted sleep.

She couldn't remember having ever felt this content.

"Fenris my wolf, I think I'm in love with you…"

OOooOOooOOooOO

She opened her eyes.

He was standing by the fire, his back to her. She smiled and stretched.

"Was it that bad was it?"

His expression when he turned to her was not encouraging.

"I'm sorry it's not- it was _fine._"

He seemed flustered, "No that is insufficient." He looked at her, his eyes pained and haunted, "It was better than anything I could have dreamed."

She sat up concerned.

"What is it, do your markings hurt?"

He shook his head.

"It is not that, it is…I have begun to remember things."

He looked at her again and finally she understood the hurt that lay behind those beautiful green eyes.

"It's too much, this is too fast I cannot…do this."

She stood, wrapping the blanket around her.

"You came to me Fenris, I thought this is what you wanted?"

She was on the verge of tears but she refused to let them fall, her heart was in her throat and her stomach in her toes. She reached out to him but he stepped away, shaking his head.

"I'm sorry, I feel like such a fool!"

Finally she could not stop the tears from falling, she was angry at herself, angry at him.

"Not as much as I do."

She saw that she had hurt him but she didn't care, it felt as though he had reached into her chest and crushed her heart, just as he had Hadriana.

"Forgive me,"

His eyes haunted her, pleading with her as he left.

She didn't know if she could.


	7. Blood

"Hawke, are you sure you're alright?"

"_Maker, the next person to ask me that…"_

"I'm fine Merrill, I'm just tired. Things have been very hectic lately."

It was true, they had found the Qunari emissary but he was not going back to his people the same way he had left them. She tried to keep busy, to exhaust herself to the point that she would not be able to think…

About him…

About that night….

She still required his help and he did not refuse her, but that night and all thoughts of it assaulted her whenever he was anywhere close.

She felt used.

She knew his memory had begun to return but he refused to discuss it with her. All of her companions noticed the tension.

"You need a break sweet thing," Isabela purred, "You'll look old and haggard, then who with I have for eye candy?"

Selene groaned and rolled her eyes.

"What I _need _is for everyone to stop treating me like an invalid. Everything is great, I am perfectly content."

She didn't care if he heard her, it was a lie but he didn't need to know that. As she arrived home her uncle greeted her.

What's wrong?"

He seemed relieved to see her, Sandal's incessant replies of "Enchantment!" seemed to be getting on his nerves.

"There you are! Where's your mother? Is she feeling alright?"

She cocked her head to the side and frowned slightly.

"Why wouldn't she be? Why are you so upset?"

"She didn't arrive for her weekly visit, she is here isn't she?"

Bohdan walked up to them, hesitant.

"Perhaps she is with her suitor Serah, the one who sent the white lilies?"

White lilies? Why did that sound so familiar?

Her heart caught in her throat.

"What is it?" Gamlen asked.

"It's…nothing. I'm sure she is fine, let's go look for her."

They split up and scoured Low Town. People had seen her heading for Gamlen's house but it seemed she had disappeared into thin air. She returned to her uncle to find him threatening a young urchin boy.

"He says he has seen her but he will tell me nothing!" he growled furiously.

"Did you see where my mother went?" Selene asked the boy gently. He narrowed his eyes.

"What do I get for telling you?"

She slipped him some coins and he gasped in surprise, "That's real silver that is! I'm your man through and through!"

"Then tell me, where did she go?"

He scratched his head thoughtfully, "She went that way," he said, pointing to an old abandoned foundry, "She was with a man, he was all bloody like he'd been in a fight. That's all I know."

She sent her uncle home in case Leandra decided to show up there, she knew in her heart that it wouldn't happen.

"This place feels strange," whispered Merrill as they entered, "There is something wrong here."

"She must be here somewhere, we need to look around."

As she and her companions searched the room she noticed a sickly sweet smell that lingered in her nostrils.

"Hawke, over here!"

As Selene approached Merrill a body came into view, her heart caught in her throat.

"Alyssa!"

It was the woman she had saved from the blood mage they had suspected to be the white lily killer. A lot of good that had done her.

"There, a trap door."

They followed the path down and were immediately assaulted by demons.

"There's blood magic at work here," shivered Anders, a scowl fixed firmly on his face. As they progressed further into the tunnels under the foundry the sickly smell was thick in the air, she could not stop herself from gagging. They came upon a small room. A bookshelf, fireplace, table and bed were scattered about.

"Does he live here?" she whispered.

Something above the fireplace caught her eye.

"What…is this? The woman in the painting looks just like Mother…"

Her foreboding deepened.

"I need to find her, now!"

She ran, not caring if her friends followed her or not, her only thoughts were on Leandra and hoping she was not too late…

"I was wondering when you would show up."

A man stood before her. He wore the robes of a mage, his face was old and haggard and his greying hair was beginning to recede. He looked like a frail old man but she could feel the power coming from him. He watched her with cool grey eyes, she could see the evil there and shuddered.

"Where is my Mother?" Her voice was a low whisper, her heart in her throat.

"Leandra was so sure you would come for her,"

He scowled as he stepped forward, Anders and Fenris moving to stand next to her without hesitation.

"You will never understand my purpose. Your mother was chosen because she was special, now she is part of something greater."

What are you talking about? Let me see her!"

The panic in her voice was evident; she grasped her staff so tightly her knuckles began to turn white.

"She is here, she is waiting for you…"

He stepped around a chair that Selene had not noticed before.

"Do you know what the strongest force in the world is?" he asked her, "Love. I pieced her together from memory, her eyes, her skin…her delicate hands. And her face, that beautiful face…"

He turned to her, eyes gleaming, "I have touched the face of the Maker and lived!"

A figure stood from the chair, long grey locks falling over hunched shoulders.

"Mother!"

But the creature that stood before her was only a piece of the woman she had known.

Dead eyes stared at her, the mouth slack and hanging loose. She knew for the rest of her life she would never forget that image. The ground rumbled as the necromancer called forth an army of the dead.

"You will not take her away from me, not after all that I have achieved!"

"You are insane!" Selene screamed, she could not stop herself as she charged at her mother's killer. He deflected the blow of her staff, using magic to push her away. Her blood boiled, she could not see straight.

"I will kill you, I will _**kill**_you!"

A tempest raged around her. She gave into the magic, letting the forces of destruction overwhelm her. Lighting cracked, beams were pulled from the roof by the violent wind. Someone grabbed her, shaking her back to reailty.

"Hawke, get a hold of yourself! You'll kill us all!"

It was Fenris, holding her arms so tightly that it hurt.

"I don't care!" she screamed at him shaking him off, "I will make him **suffer** for what he has done to her!"

Merrill and Anders' magic combined with hers to quickly decimate the dead. All of the rage and hate she possessed for the necromancer channelled into one explosive spell. As it hit him sending him across the room, his face contorted. "No, you cannot defeat me! NOOOO!"

The agony on his face as his insides melted gave her a perverse satisfaction. As he crumpled to the ground gasping for air she placed one of her boots on his face and forced it down. A sickening crunch was heard as his skull splintered into his brain. The sound of a body hitting the floor behind her caught her attention.

"Mother!"

She sprinted to the poorly constructed corpse bride that now had the face of Leandra Hawke.

"There's nothing I can do," Anders whispered gently, "His magic was keeping her alive."

"I knew you would come…"

The voice of her mother caused her to look at the body, she was still in there.

"Don't move mother, we'll find a way to-"

"Don't fret darling. That man would have kept me trapped in here. Now I get to see Bethany again, and your father."

Her mother's voice was gentle, she could see that the magic was fading quickly. She could feel the hot tears on her cheeks as she stroked the woman's face."

"I should have watched over you more closely, I should have-"

Leandra smiled and she saw something of the woman that had been her mother.

"My little girl is all grown up and so strong, you've always made me proud…"

With those words the magic died and her mother along with it.

She couldn't move, instead she sat cradling her mother's head in her hands until strong hands forced her to stand. She strong to fight it but found she had no strength left. She sighed heavily as she let the darkness take her.

OOooOOooOOooOO

She read the note from Carver and felt nothing. He had not written it but she knew he blamed her. For the past three days the mage had confined herself to her room, barely eating, hardly sleeping…

She looked at herself in the mirror. Her usually golden curls were dull and lank at her shoulders. She was deathly pale and dark circles were visible under her eyes. She did not care, what did it matter?

She had refused visitors and knew everyone was worried about her, but if she let anyone in they would break her numbness and right now…

It was just too painful to feel anything.

The firelight glinting off her letter opener caught her eye. It was so sharp, so inviting…

She picked it up, spinning it in her fingers and pressing the point into her thumb. A crimson bead formed glowing in the light. Maybe she should do it, end it all. Her mother and Bethany were dead, Carver hated her, and Fenris…

"_Oh Fenris…"_

He had wanted to see her, he stood at the door for hours trying to get her to open it but she had refused him. It hurt too much; she didn't want to see pity in his eyes, or worse, disgust.

She held the blade to her throat and looked into the mirror, as she pressed down a line of blood formed. Without hesitation she slashed, feeling warmth as the blood gushed from the gaping hole in her neck. She watched herself pale and her eyes loose luminance before she could no longer stand, slumping to the floor as she heard the door open.

"Selene, I think it's time you-"

A sharp intake of breath followed by someone running reached her ears. She couldn't breathe, she couldn't speak. Blackness clouded her vision as she felt warm hands on her neck, but they felt so far away.

"Don't you die on me, don't you dare!"

She felt the coolness of the healing spell and tried to fight it.

"_Damn it Anders!"_

As her throat healed she screamed in frustration, "Just let me die! I _want _to die!"

She punched his chest, pushing against him, all the emotion she had kept pent up finally releasing. He did not let her go, holding her close as she cried into his robes. Her throat hurt with each sob which just made it worse. She stopped fighting and looked at him, the fear and anger in his eyes surprising her.

"What the hell?"

His voice was an angry whisper, "Don't ever do that to me again!"

His vehemence caused her to sit up, she could already feel the blood drying and caking onto her skin.

"What were you _thinking_?"

He sounded so perplexed and hurt, as though her attempting to kill herself was a personal insult.

"I would have thought that was obvious!" she croaked furiously, "What else is there for me? Everyone I love is dead or hates me-"

"Don't be stupid!" It was his turn to be furious, "What about your friends? We've been sick with worry about you these past few days. They wanted to give you space, I'm glad I didn't!"

"Leave me alone Anders…"

Her voice was tired. He grabbed her arm, not allowing her to stand. She tried to shake him off but he just gripped her tighter, she tried to hit him but he just caught her wrist pulling her to him.

"Let me go or I swear-"

"I love you Selene Hawke. I have never loved anyone the way I love you. I lay awake at night thinking about you, wondering if you're ok and when I do sleep you haunt my dreams. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have you in my life…"

His words paralyzed her, she could not look away from the intensity in his eyes.

"I need you Selene, I need you in my life or I fear I shall be lost!"

He kissed her hard, pulling her close until she could hardly breathe. She did not fight him, instead kissing him back, sharing all of her pain and despair. He bit her and she moaned, pressing herself against him, running her fingers through his hair. She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror and froze. They were covered in her blood, lying on the floor in the rapidly drying pool. Her shoulder was exposed, smeared with his hand print. He stopped and followed her gaze, it looked like some sort of perverse blood ritual. He let her go, standing and helping her to her feet. She felt a little dizzy and weak from the blood loss but could feel herself strengthening by the second.

"I'm…sorry."

She shook her head, smiling shyly as she pulled her clothes about her properly.

"I think I should take a bath."

He frowned slightly and she knew he was concerned about leaving her alone.

"Don't worry Anders, I won't…I won't try anything like that again."

He left reluctantly, she knew he was just outside the door but she was true to her word. As she washed the blood and grime from her skin she felt renewed, but her thoughts troubled her, thoughts of Fenris and Anders. Fenris had been so gentle, so loving and yet had ever said he did, instead walking out and never looking back. Anders on the other hand was fiery and rough but he had said the words she longed to hear from the elf.

Her feelings were in turmoil, she still loved Fenris, still hoped he would walk through the door and kiss her until she passed out. Selene admitted she had turned him away the past few days but it was because she knew the concern he had for her was only friendly, it was plain to her he did not want what she wanted. She cared for Anders, but she had pushed away the thought of having any real feelings for him since the day he had warned her away, it had been by his own hand that she had tried not to love him. She sighed heavily and let her aching body sink deeper into the water.

"I am not cut out for this…"


End file.
